Saturday, November 29, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
i'm making good progress
I had never been plagued by guilt...until I became a mom. My first run in came when Evan was very young still. He was sleeping all the time between feedings and instead of holding him while he slept, sometimes I preferred to be on the computer or whatever, doing something else. And I felt supremely guilty for that. What kind of mom doesn't hold her baby I thought? I actually had someone tell me that feeling guilty is part of being a mom.
Well now that Evan is almost 9 months old, I am starting to let go of those non-helpful guilty feelings. For example, yesterday after we got Christmas trees, I stayed at home and had me time while Kyle took Evan to a friends house to hang out with friends. I didn't feel guilty about not going along. I didn't feel guilty about not being with Evan. I didn't feel guilty about wanting to be alone. I felt absolutely liberated. I made Christmas cards, and Christmas lists, and bought Christmas stamps. I looked through pictures. I took a bath. And I didn't answer the telephone when it rang while I was in the bath.
It 'only' took 9 months. Thank god it's getting better. For my second child, I think it will be a different kind of guilt, because I simply won't have time to tend to them as exclusively as I did with Evan. But I guess I'm hoping that 'I'll know better' and not feel as guilty. Because the only person that suffers is me!!
Well now that Evan is almost 9 months old, I am starting to let go of those non-helpful guilty feelings. For example, yesterday after we got Christmas trees, I stayed at home and had me time while Kyle took Evan to a friends house to hang out with friends. I didn't feel guilty about not going along. I didn't feel guilty about not being with Evan. I didn't feel guilty about wanting to be alone. I felt absolutely liberated. I made Christmas cards, and Christmas lists, and bought Christmas stamps. I looked through pictures. I took a bath. And I didn't answer the telephone when it rang while I was in the bath.
It 'only' took 9 months. Thank god it's getting better. For my second child, I think it will be a different kind of guilt, because I simply won't have time to tend to them as exclusively as I did with Evan. But I guess I'm hoping that 'I'll know better' and not feel as guilty. Because the only person that suffers is me!!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
two firsts
Evan is 8 months old and I experienced two of his amazing 'firsts' this month.
When I get home from work, the first thing I do is take Evan upstairs with me and I change into my jammies. A few weeks ago one evening, Evan got very excited and he was following me around. I layed down in front of him and said, "Come here Evan, come on." And he scooched to me, like an army crawl...he was all excited and determined. And when he got to me he put his little tiny hands inside mine and smiled all big. And my eyes filled up with tears. He had come to me!
Leaving for work in the mornings and saying goodbye to Evan and my mom is probably the hardest part of my day. Of course it helps knowing that he is with my mom and that she loves and cares for him very much. Last week, an absolutely mind blowing thing happened. Evan had just woken up very smiley and happy. Upstairs in his room my mom was holding in the rocking chair. I said good bye and waved at them, and Evan WAVED BACK!! Huh? Did that really happen, or was it a coincidence? So I waved again, and AGAIN Evan waved back! OH MY GOD! A 3rd time, he waved again!!! Okay, it wasn't really a wave, it was more like flapping his arm up and down, but it was intentional and extraordinary. As I walked down the stairs to my car, my eyes filled up with tears again!
What a wonderful thing it is to have a little baby boy who is growing up to be a bigger baby boy.
When I get home from work, the first thing I do is take Evan upstairs with me and I change into my jammies. A few weeks ago one evening, Evan got very excited and he was following me around. I layed down in front of him and said, "Come here Evan, come on." And he scooched to me, like an army crawl...he was all excited and determined. And when he got to me he put his little tiny hands inside mine and smiled all big. And my eyes filled up with tears. He had come to me!
Leaving for work in the mornings and saying goodbye to Evan and my mom is probably the hardest part of my day. Of course it helps knowing that he is with my mom and that she loves and cares for him very much. Last week, an absolutely mind blowing thing happened. Evan had just woken up very smiley and happy. Upstairs in his room my mom was holding in the rocking chair. I said good bye and waved at them, and Evan WAVED BACK!! Huh? Did that really happen, or was it a coincidence? So I waved again, and AGAIN Evan waved back! OH MY GOD! A 3rd time, he waved again!!! Okay, it wasn't really a wave, it was more like flapping his arm up and down, but it was intentional and extraordinary. As I walked down the stairs to my car, my eyes filled up with tears again!
What a wonderful thing it is to have a little baby boy who is growing up to be a bigger baby boy.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
just a few pics that brighten my day (and hopefully yours too)
Evan's big toothless grin is hilarious. It's been so long that I've seen him without teeth that seeing him with teeth will be so weird! Evan was actually having a great time in his pack n'play, yelling and talking. This picture just cracks me up because it appears as though he's screaming to get out.
Monday, November 3, 2008
sigh of relief
Today Evan had surgery at Children's Hospital, and everything went very well and we're all home safe and sound. Right now I'm taking a 'break' and purging some of my feelings. Today has been really hard for me. My eyes are red and my head hurts from crying so much. But actually Evan did SO GREAT, it's just that I was SO WORRIED.
Evan's last solid food, including formula, was last night before bedtime. So that means that when he was getting prepped for surgery he was starving, plus there was so much going on that he had a hard time falling asleep for his nap even though he was in my arms. So he was starving and tired, and still he was not fussy. I could not believe it. He is such a sweet little boy. Evan didn't cry once before surgery, even though all these strangers were around. Even when they took him away Evan did not cry. I watched as the 2 anesthesiologists, one carrying Evan, walked down the hall away from us, and my eyes started tearing up. Evan didn't turn around and he didn't cry at all. Such a happy boy.
After surgery Evan was supposed to have clear fluids, like Pedialyte, apple juice, or water...but Evan just wanted milk. He cried and cried until the nurse said it was ok to give him formula, and then he was happy. We had a hard time finding a pharmacy that had oxycodone in a liquid infant formulation...but then Walgreens came through. Just a few hours after surgery, Evan's appetite returned.
I can hear Kyle reading a new book that we got in Hawaii to Evan about fish. Kyle has been my rock throughout this day. Keeping me calm and telling me everything is going to be ok.
Evan seems just a little fussy, but surprisingly is happy to crawl or stand still. I'm afraid for him that these activities might hurt, but I guess he'll let me know if it does. It's almost time for bed. I hope everything goes smoothly. Tonight we were instructed to wake him every 4 hours to give him pain medication and some food with it. Deep breath....we'll all get through this.
Evan's last solid food, including formula, was last night before bedtime. So that means that when he was getting prepped for surgery he was starving, plus there was so much going on that he had a hard time falling asleep for his nap even though he was in my arms. So he was starving and tired, and still he was not fussy. I could not believe it. He is such a sweet little boy. Evan didn't cry once before surgery, even though all these strangers were around. Even when they took him away Evan did not cry. I watched as the 2 anesthesiologists, one carrying Evan, walked down the hall away from us, and my eyes started tearing up. Evan didn't turn around and he didn't cry at all. Such a happy boy.
After surgery Evan was supposed to have clear fluids, like Pedialyte, apple juice, or water...but Evan just wanted milk. He cried and cried until the nurse said it was ok to give him formula, and then he was happy. We had a hard time finding a pharmacy that had oxycodone in a liquid infant formulation...but then Walgreens came through. Just a few hours after surgery, Evan's appetite returned.
I can hear Kyle reading a new book that we got in Hawaii to Evan about fish. Kyle has been my rock throughout this day. Keeping me calm and telling me everything is going to be ok.
Evan seems just a little fussy, but surprisingly is happy to crawl or stand still. I'm afraid for him that these activities might hurt, but I guess he'll let me know if it does. It's almost time for bed. I hope everything goes smoothly. Tonight we were instructed to wake him every 4 hours to give him pain medication and some food with it. Deep breath....we'll all get through this.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
peace and quite again
I was very nervous about our first time zone traveling with Evan. Will he know what time he's supposed to go to bed? Worse, will he wake up at 4am? Turns out my fears were unfounded. We just fed him his meals at the normal, local time and the time zone change didn't really affect him that much. True, the first morning he woke up at 4:40am, but it got better each day and after the 3rd day it was 6am. Evan slept in a crib in our room and it was really sweet to be so close to him. When he woke up in the morning we could hear him babbling to himself and playing with the toy we put into his crib. Then we'd take a walk on the beach and sometimes he would fall back asleep. It was so sweet.
After we got back home, we resumed his normal routine and I didn't think it'd be hard for him to fall asleep at bedtime because he was already so tired. But the first night he cried hard for 30 minutes before falling asleep. Oh my god this was hard on me. I've never heard him cry like that before. His cries now, compared to when he was little and we were sleep training him the first time, were more robust. He sounds like he's suffering and in despair! Evan sounded like an adult, sobbing and wailing, with a stuffy and runny nose, big giant crocidile tears streaming down his face. A far cry different than his little newborn whimpers. I'd go in to check on him and he'd look up at me with desperation all over his face. :( Once I even climbed into my own bed and cried too. But there is a good ending to this story. 4 nights of that, and POOF!!! It was a magical overnight transformation. Evan went from wailing for half an hour one night to falling asleep easily without a sound the next, and the next after that (that's tonight). Phew.....a huge sigh of relief. I guess my dad was right, it really does take 1 week to recover from jet lag.
After we got back home, we resumed his normal routine and I didn't think it'd be hard for him to fall asleep at bedtime because he was already so tired. But the first night he cried hard for 30 minutes before falling asleep. Oh my god this was hard on me. I've never heard him cry like that before. His cries now, compared to when he was little and we were sleep training him the first time, were more robust. He sounds like he's suffering and in despair! Evan sounded like an adult, sobbing and wailing, with a stuffy and runny nose, big giant crocidile tears streaming down his face. A far cry different than his little newborn whimpers. I'd go in to check on him and he'd look up at me with desperation all over his face. :( Once I even climbed into my own bed and cried too. But there is a good ending to this story. 4 nights of that, and POOF!!! It was a magical overnight transformation. Evan went from wailing for half an hour one night to falling asleep easily without a sound the next, and the next after that (that's tonight). Phew.....a huge sigh of relief. I guess my dad was right, it really does take 1 week to recover from jet lag.
Monday, October 20, 2008
aloha!
Just got back from our first 'far away' trip and we had a fantastic time! Evan ate a lot of sand (but I had asked the doctor before we left, 'How much sand is too much?' and she said that there's NO LIMIT, so I didn't worry.) Evan also swam in the ocean and played frisbee with Daddy and Papa in the pool. And guess what amazing thing Evan learned how to do while we were in Hawaii? He knows his name!! And turns around to look at you when you say it. WOW. WOW. I'll post pictures up on the website as soon as I can.
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